She Is: A Celebration of Women: Part 2
Breakthrough:
When Healing Gives Way to Hope
March 11, 2022 | By: CSL Vice President Community Development, Jennifer Manuleleua & CSL Chief People Officer, Merideth Rose
In Part 1, The Reality of Broken, of a very special 4-part storytelling series being presented by CSL in celebration of women during the month of March, CSL Vice President Jennifer Manuleleua introduced readers to some of the most vulnerable parts of her healing journey - specifically life in the lowest points of broken.
The conversation, which took place within several ‘deep dives’ with CSL’s Chief People Officer Merideth Rose, unpacked a space of fragility and in many ways, reservation for Jennifer, but ultimately is the space in which she found her healing and resilience.
In Part 2, Merideth again invited Jennifer to venture into a space of brave conversation to describe the initial moments in which she believed a life outside of darkness could potentially exist. As she would divulge through periods that still proved painful yet purposeful, Jennifer shared how the hope of safety, life purpose and a resilient future gave way to the possibility of a healing and hopeful breakthrough.
She Is: A Celebration of Women Part II:
Breakthrough: When Healing Gives Way to Hope
1. Last week you stepped into a space of great courage in sharing your story of brokenness. How do you believe your bravery has strengthened your ‘hope muscle’ each time you’ve embraced this vulnerability?
“When your sisters cheer for you in a very frightening endeavor. I love risk, but sometimes it still wants to get the best of me … stepping over the side of Arrowhead Stadium was made easier with my friends Christina Leakey, Merideth Rose, and Erika Parrish.” - Jennifer Manuleleua
I never thought of it as increasing my hope before. It wasn’t until much later than I believed it was bravery. I wouldn’t have even used the word vulnerable, but more like having absolutely no idea what I was doing … when I was at the bottom and slowly beginning to make my way out of that darkness. It was more about not wanting to die, hoping to know what it meant to live. It was more about knowing that what I had been doing wasn’t working anymore, so I had to try something different. In the very beginning, even while I was ‘playing’ at therapy, it was the consistency of one or two people in my life. I may not have been consistent in any kind of connection point, but they were. And when it came to the point where I was truly ready to begin the hard work of healing, their years of consistency had built trust with me. I knew they weren’t going to leave now, since they hadn’t yet. In the beginning, my hope muscle was strengthened because other people believed in me when I didn’t yet believe in myself.
Over the years, I have learned to listen to the still small voice deep inside that reminds me that new things aren’t so bad. That trying new brave ways have worked out, and that I could keep doing the next right thing. I could keep trying vulnerability and it just might work.
2. When you think of the word “breakthrough” and what it means to your resilience story, what comes to mind?
When you’re in the throes of healing, I’m not sure that words like hope and breakthrough resonate. Surviving. It was years of really hard work. Years of learning and unlearning, of breaking and building, or intentional work in safe places, with safe trusting people. Years of really learning Truth. I want to be honest, I still have to do the hard work some days. Some days it’s easy to forget who I am now. But I have the tools to get back in alignment with what is true, right, and lovely. Breakthrough for me is really a bunch of small breakthroughs of bravery, more like small tests. What will happen if I do this? And small check-ins with myself.
I’d say that one of my favorite moments that I would call ‘breakthrough’ was while I was driving on a Saturday evening on a local highway. I was crying and having a deep conversation and prayer. I was going to try something new. Something I had been hearing was important for me. I chose to forgive. It released me; it didn’t solve everything. But it released me to hope and a future.
3. Arriving at this point of breakthrough can be a very difficult and sometimes painfully long journey for a lot of women. What do you believe tends to keep women in the “stuck” and silence of generational cycles of trauma?
Such a complex question with layers upon layers of beliefs, community trauma, unspoken rules. I’ll unpack just a few parts of this. Society still doesn’t truly value mental health conversations. If you struggle with depression, you might be told to just buck up. If there are untold secrets, you are blamed and shamed for not saying anything earlier. If the people who are supposed to keep you safe didn’t, your belief system is set. Unfortunately, trauma and pain is messy. People don’t like to sit in the messy of others or of their own. Relationships are hard with people in pain.
“Mrs. Mable mentored me, entrusted me with her work, and took me in as a daughter. In many ways, her love held me together.” - Jennifer Manuleleua
Women in violent relationships are told to just leave, that they must like it if they stay, that it’s easy to get out. (Statistics show that the majority of women who are murdered by their abuser are murdered for trying to leave.) Women who are struggling to put on a smile and keep moving have been told all their lives to shut their emotions down. Persons in poverty have faced generations of community trauma and lack of equitable access to healthcare or mental healthcare. COVID proved what many of us have known for a very long time.
But even on the inside of each individual person. I was making lots of ‘bad’ choices. I knew they weren’t good choices. But it was almost like they weren’t choices. This was how I had learned to survive. Now we know and understand that our brains are literally changed during trauma. Our brains were designed in a beautiful way, but wrong and pain and hurt and loss change our brains. And if the trauma or loss happens while young, one’s whole life operates out of that faulty brain pattern. It’s only later in life that we have the opportunity to rewire our brains for health and wellness. But that rewiring doesn’t just happen because one is an adult. That rewiring happens with intentionality, with a community of safe, trusting people, with new behaviors that are learned over time. We have to teach ourselves how to make new choices by completely overhauling our belief systems.
4. In so many ways, a woman’s community or ‘tribe’ can be a vehicle for complete life-change and can inspire a pathway of hope out of the most disparaging situations. How would you describe this (your) community and its impact in your healing journey?
Healthy, safe relationships were one of two keys that kept me alive and growing on my path to wellness. The other one was exercise and fitness. The idea of having women who would be an important part of my life-change might have been one of the absolute hardest things to fathom. I trusted no one! Frankly, I didn’t like people at all. I knew how to work hard, be great at what I do, and keep everything very surface level. And I’d say that true friendships didn’t really click for me until many years later, not that terribly long ago actually.
“A group of neighborhood mothers in northwest Independence, MO have been part of my support system for more than 10 years. They have not only been women I can continually depend on, they give back to me such kindness and love.” - Jennifer Manuleleua
I did have a therapist, and that was super important. Her consistency and care, as I already mentioned, were huge. She believed in the ‘not yet’ for me. I couldn’t do it on my own yet, but she believed I would. But, really, equally if not more important were people in my life who really didn’t understand my mess but weren’t afraid of it. My Mrs. Mable not only mentored me in community development (out of the Palestine Neighborhood Development Corporation at 35th & Indiana). She mentored me in love, life, and connection. She invited me into her work, took me to meetings, and brought me to her family. She truly was my best friend for several years before she passed.
I had friends at the gym, and we had our own little community focused on fitness. Another family took me in and invited me to Sunday lunch (and to do my laundry) for years. Honestly, I know I was a pretty terrible guest, but they loved me anyway. They allowed me to be broken. They helped me see a different way just by being themselves and modeling it for me. They were consistent in letting me in, and they never pushed me away even when I’m sure it would have been easier to.
Even though I didn’t really like people at all during those healing days, many women were willing to walk alongside me anyway. And, eventually I learned to like people, even love them. Today, my Mrs. Mable is gone, and I don’t work out at the gym anymore. The family who took me in are still part of my family. And now I have a community of women who have had their own journeys of healing (and we all still heal together). Many of us have found ways to wrap around others who are hurting and finding their way out. We have taken the role of believing in the not yet for others. Because of the women who went before me, I am able to sit in the messy dirt with others and just be present.
5. What would you say to those reading your story who too want to be a helping hand in inspiring someone’s hope story? How can someone partner with CSL to be the hands and feet of breakthrough?
Allyship. Friendship. Consistency. Showing up in kindness and grace. Authenticity. True, safe relationships are one of the most important ways out of poverty and through trauma. CSL coaches and staff work to build those relationships with the persons who come to us, but they need more than that. Our community needs people who are willing to be in relationship with them outside of a CSL coach. Are you able to connect with one of our CSL people and find a neighbor you can sit with at BlendWell weekly or monthly for a cup of coffee and a conversation? Can you regularly find ways to encourage the staff who are in the trenches every day of hard work? Is there someone you’ve seen and have a desire to meet? Go meet them. Be a good neighbor. Go to spaces and places you might not go and build relationships. Volunteer - in a relational way, not just a transactional way. Become a Circles ally (not a mentor, but someone who learns with our neighbors over an extended period of time). Be a school crossing guard and build relationships with kiddos every single day. Help tell a different story in your conversations with others; advocate. Normalize mental health. Help us change the narrative about poverty. Lean in to listening and understanding. Learn from others.
“Mr. and Mrs. Lemon allowed me to sit on their couch, took me in and believed in me when I was at my worst.”
- Jennifer Manuleleua
Even if you don’t understand, sit in the messy anyway. Lead with true, authentic relationships that are mutually beneficial. It can be small or big. You won’t get it right every time, but that’s okay. Teach others about soul care. Don’t ask questions they aren’t ready to answer. Learn about community and individual trauma. Learn how race, culture and poverty have influenced generations. Believe people. Be part of our trauma informed exercise and walking classes. Listen to stories and share your own. Share a meal with someone on a regular basis. Walk your neighborhood and understand its rhythms. Have your own community of support and your own soul-care practices that enable you to stay in.
The list is endless and it begins with relationship. It might be scary, and we get that. It might feel clunky and awkward, and that’s okay too. It will, at times, be exhausting. There are many of us within CSL who would be happy to have a conversation with you to get you started. Know and believe that our mission to end poverty won’t happen by CSL alone. It takes all of us, working together in the same direction.
Note: Please know your own triggers and your own motives. Lead with dignity. I don’t want to discourage anyone from engaging in the work because it is truly amazing. But I also have to ask you to know your motives. Trauma is loss. All of us have suffered loss of many kinds over our lives. People who come in to ‘do good’ and then get upset at the people they ‘help’ cause trauma. Organizations who come in to ‘fix’ and then leave, cause trauma. It takes 15-20 years of consistent relationship to transform a community. We want to be part of the healing and the true hope.
Jennifer’s story continues next week with Part 3:
Building Back: Doing the Work One Win at a Time.
