She Is: A Celebration of Women: Part 4
Better Together:
Women Helping Women
March 25, 2022 | By: CSL Vice President Community Development, Jennifer Manuleleua &
CSL Chief People Officer, Merideth Rose
As the month of March comes to what seems like an accelerated close, the four-week celebration of all things women - their stories of survival, pursuit and the uplifting synergy found in the bonds of sisterhood - seems simply not long enough. In a courageous measure to take a different approach to unpacking the amazing fortitude of the women it sees and serves, Community Services League (CSL) has been honored to be the storytelling vehicle of one of its own, Vice President of Community Development, Jennifer Manuleleua.
Together, within the safe container of conversation alongside Chief People Officer, Merideth Rose, Jennifer has invited both strangers and friends into one of life’s most sacred spaces - the place of vulnerability. While many of us perhaps wrestle daily with this balance when building connection - to share or not to share- Jennifer’s bravery has provided a model that encourages and creates safety. Her willingness to unveil some of the not-so-perfect pieces of her life’s resilience story has reinforced one beautiful truth: progress, not perfection, is the ultimate and most rewarding goal.
So what, you might ask, should we glean from this unprecedented experience designed by CSL?
The answer is simple; and the impact of its outcomes has the potential to be great.
Dare to connect, to lean into listening, and to sit in the place of sharing and exchanging stories that have the power to heal, to help and to radiate hope.
CSL Chief People Officer Merideth Rose (L) and CSL VP of Community Development and our storyteller Jennifer Manuleleua.
If CSL exists to foster programs, outreach, resources and pathways that make meaningful and lasting change in people’s lives, their stories are the roadmaps to best inform us on how to get there. By sharing and connecting through stories, we have the power to uplift and transform generations. And what’s more, all this power can be harnessed by you.
We thank Jennifer for her courageous leadership to live and lead out loud; her commitment to join others in remaining in the arena of what’s possible was ever present in this, the final blog of her four-part series, Better Together: Women Helping Women.
1. Today you are a woman who bears many badges of survival. You’ve been through so much and have grown even in the most painful of seasons. In that vein, what has been the most surprising reward of your determination to “struggle strong?”
That I like, even love, people. Seriously. That sounds silly in so many ways. But in my pain, I recoiled at relationship and connection. I didn’t like people. I knew how to put on a face and get it done. But relationship, connection, liking people, wasn’t something I ever expected to come out of getting on the other side of pain.
Some other side benefits that are noteworthy - joy, peace, love, kindness, trust, friendships. None of that happened overnight or without growing pains, but they are super awesome now.
2. It’s important that our readers walk away from this experience understanding the healing power of storytelling. Why do you believe stories like yours are vital as a source of hope and for helping build courage for other women who may be struggling in silence?
Community development has long been a passion of mine. Community is living as if you belong together. Unfortunately, many of our cities, neighborhoods and families live more divided than we do as if we belong together. So many people are as I was - not really liking people. Maybe for a lot of different reasons, but preferring to instead live in isolation or constantly in ‘fight mode’ or only among people who think like me. “I don’t need anyone.” People in pain know how to protect themselves; and it’s not usually in a safe, healthy relationship. Learning to meet people right where there are - in grace and without judgment - means listening. It also means building mutual relationships and sharing mutual storytelling. It means listening to stories and sharing your own.
I want to share pieces of two segments from other writers that fuel my desire to listen to stories and to share my own. I would much prefer to keep my story quiet. But, in keeping my story quiet, I am asking someone else to be vulnerable, while I stay closed off. That’s not okay and is not full of dignity, kindness or care.
Henri Nouwen has a quote that is often referred to as “ministry of presence.” It has really spoken to me. When I forget the importance of relationship, I often go back to this quote. People ministered to me with their presence and their storytelling and listening, while I was at my worst. I can do the same.
Jennifer participating in a fundraising event for Truman Heritage Habitat for Humanity where she rappelled off Arrowhead Stadium.
“More and more, the desire grows in me simply to walk around, greet people, enter their homes, sit on their doorsteps, play ball, throw water, and be known as someone who wants to live with them. It is a privilege to have the time to practice this simple ministry of presence. Still, it is not as simple as it seems. My own desire to be useful, to do something significant, or to be part of some impressive project is so strong that soon my time is taken up by meetings, conferences, study groups, and workshops that prevent me from walking the streets. It is difficult not to have plans, not to organize people around an urgent cause, and not to feel that you are working directly for social progress. But I wonder more and more if the first thing shouldn’t be to know people by name, to eat and drink with them, to listen to their stories and tell your own, and to let them know with words, handshakes, and hugs that you do not simply like them, but truly love them.” – Henri Nouwen
I’ll summarize the second quote. It’s another aspect of what people did for me. They invited me into their lives. They didn’t always use words to share their story. Instead, they invited me into a relationship to see it. They took their ordinary, everyday lives - eating, going to work, walking around - and placed it out for me to see. They were vulnerable. And in our vulnerability, we can give others hope.
To be honest, that’s the only reason I’ve been willing to share this story. It is not for my notoriety. I would much prefer to keep all of this hidden. In sharing my story, I want to share the beginnings of the stories of so many. So many people are desperately wanting to be seen for who they are. Society doesn’t always want to see broken or vulnerable people as valuable people of worth. We want people to always have it all together. We want easy success stories. We want quick wins. And we want to share it all in a neat and tidy box of stories. That is not real life. Real life is messy.
3. Shifting gears a bit, to you as a mother. While you were not assigned to biologically mother children (not yet 🙂), you have lovingly taken in so many young women and girls, showing them the love and supportive healing care of a mother. Why is this so important to you - helping young women who are without the loving guidance of a mother, experience and create a new legacy of healing, mentoring, connecting and living stronger in relationship together?
In this work, I have had the opportunity and honor to work in a variety of settings. One thing I saw so clearly was how well cared for many of our young students are in school. They have teachers and other school staff who care about them so much and provide amazing role models for them. Sometimes, young moms were expected to behave and think in ways they could not. Please understand that I am not suggesting that our schools are filled with uncaring people. It’s more about the unintended consequences of the HOW we sometimes go about business. Since then, I’ve seen it in many other industries, on social media, in conversations, in lots of spaces and places.
The thing that grabbed my heart was the ways in which so many people placed judgments on young mothers who were parenting the best they could, the best they knew how. However, without a strong, healthy support system, those young mothers are doing it all on their own. Brain science shows us that people are often still emotionally at the place of the unresolved trauma. For many that is as a small child. If we are still in fight or flight because of trauma at a young age, we are not likely in our cerebral cortex thinking brain. We are still desperately asking the questions “Am I loved? Am I safe?”
Jennifer and her husband Kimo.
Here’s a sample of what I saw and why I desperately care for the young women I encounter. If a school needs to call a mom for something about her child, mom wants to be available. However, if mom takes a personal phone call on the job, many times she’ll get written up. If she doesn’t answer the phone, she might get called multiple times and might be considered a bad parent. She doesn’t have safe people to call about her kids, so there’s no one else on her phone call list for the kids. Too many write ups at work, she’ll get let go. Then, other people will judge mom for not having a job - call her lazy. Then she’ll need to get assistance with her electric bill and be judged for needing help or doing what needs to be done to pay that bill. She might turn to unhealthy supports, and then be judged for how she was able to receive help. The cycle of judgment, defeat and pain continues. She loves her kids. While she wants to be the very best mom possible, she needs someone safe and trustworthy to walk alongside her and show her the way. That person is me. You. All women.
My own story of growth and hope, coupled with seeing the pain that so many young moms go through, doubled my desire to stand with the young adult women in our community. I want to give the moms the best supports possible, including grace and accountability. First and foremost, I want to teach them about dignity, trust, safety, personal choice. I try to make this true in my personal life and at CSL as well. CSL understands that we aren’t the best decision makers for others. People are the experts in their own lives. That’s one of the reasons I love that CSL has coaching instead of case management. We build a circle, a team, around our neighbors.
I could keep going on and on, but I want to stand in the gap for and with others for those coming behind me. Let’s do better for those coming along.
4. If CSL’s readers could walk away with one awakening truth or renewed perspective by having experienced your personal resilience story these last 4 weeks, what would it be?
One? LOL … so many. If I summed it up into one or two things, it’s this. Do no harm and lead with love.
The rest will work itself out. If you want details, let me know.
